Elise Matthews - To Find Yourself

from collective | connection by Spiderweb Salon

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Reflecting on my struggle with my queer identity, this poem is about questioning, destroying, finding, and building identity.

{ inspired by "Les Silencieux" by Wolfgang Paalen }

lyrics

To find yourself, first you must slough off the costumes collected over the years. Scrub and scrape your skin. Amputate each limb, then keep carving until there’s nothing left.

Put the pieces it in a pile. Soak it with gasoline, and set it on fire. The flames will burn, turning it all to thick, black smoke. At first, the haze will blind you, but as it clears, you’ll see behind it— bones.

Search each fragment. Look for bright, clear skies, joy burning like the sun. Clean these carefully; they are precious. Some may need repairs or reinforcement. Pour into them what they need. Seek out the missing puzzle pieces. Build each vertebrae carefully. Don’t rush this. Stability will survive, will stand up to trouble.

You may feel rough and hard, but search for softness. You’ll find it sleeping, having slipped through cracks. Coax it out into the open.

We don’t have to be what we were or what we are or what they made us. Who you are is who you are. Can you see it? Can you feel its edges? Bear its weight? Does it lead you deep within? Does it ground you?

Or does it send you spinning out to space—detached, untethered, distant?

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from collective | connection, released September 7, 2019

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Spiderweb Salon Denton, Texas

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